I’ve been feeling the holiday spirit the last week or so. I’ve even been listening to a lot of Christmas music this year, including my favorite Christmas album that has precisely nothing to do with Christmas. I’ll explain momentarily, but first must give the context.

My being “in the mood” and seeking out Christmas music on Spotify is unusual. I’ve normally sought to avoid all Christmas music. I’d feel frustrated when hearing nonstop holiday music in public places. I would fill with rage or feel desperate to escape… yes, simply hearing “Jingle Bells” could sometimes elicit a fight or flight response.

I’ve often liked to play the Grinch or Scrooge with people in a lighthearted manner. But the truth is that when doing so, inwardly I really was feeling precisely like either of those characters. I ground my teeth and clenched my fists trying to get through the holidays without melting down in frustration and anger.

I grew up in a household in which joy and glad tidings were often in short supply. Arguments between parents and between parent and children were a regular feature. And those fights would sometimes turn threatening and occasionally outright violent. Every year or two there were promises/threats (depending upon your POV) to divorce that never materialized, though one parent did move out for extended periods a couple of times. It was just a ridiculous place to grow up.

What’s that have to do with the price of tea at the North Pole? I was probably 10 or possibly as old as 12 when it occurred to me that Christmas was the one time of year that we had calm in the house. Home life was actually pretty pleasant this time of year. We would put up a tree and decorate it around the 15th of December, and from that point until Christmas, the holiday spirit filled the house. It was all peace, love, and warm cookies.

Once I realized that, I suddenly resented the holiday. Or maybe not the holiday so much as what I recognized as the false cheer on display for the sake of a holiday. These two who so often raged at one another, at me, at my siblings, at the world throughout the year suddenly abided by terms of an unspoken (to me, anyway) truce during that period every year. So I came to see that peace as being false. A mask. A full fledged theatrical production im which I had no choice but be a participant.

A more mature response would have been to understand that my parents were doing their best — okay, one of them was often trying their best — and I should count it as a blessing that I had a 10-day period every year during which I didn’t have to walk on eggshells with every interaction. But hey, I, too, was trying to get by as best I could. I survived and did so surprisingly well given the circumstances.

But back then, I was angry. Even now, far more mature and better adjusted, dealing with my anger issues as a big part of my self care, I have to say my anger back then was justified. In fact, I’d argue that it was f*cking righteous.

Unfortunately, that anger and resentment stayed with me over the years. It wasn’t helped when my parents finally (finally!!!) divorced while I was in college and then I found myself for many years having to spend part of Christmas at both of their houses. After one parent moved several hours away, then I was made to choose which place I would spend the holiday at, knowing there would be hurt feelings, resentment, guilt trips, etc.

I look back at that now and wonder at the fact that I put up with that sort of bullshit. But that was just the way I was raised: one did not question the authority of either parent and one did as one was told. Period. No discussion. No wonder I was inwardly so angry. And no wonder I felt that anger deeply at this time of year.

But in recent years — say, the last 15 to 20 — not so much. I’ve gotten over many if not most of my anger issues since identifying them and realizing their sources, particularly the Christmas-related one. It’s helped that I have family friends with whom I often spend this holiday, so I’m able to look forward to something fun and interesting those years I’m with them.

But this year in particular the Christmas spirit has hit me with force, as if I’m making up for some of those miserable holidays long ago.

2022 has been a crazy year filled with amazing experiences, major disappointments, and levels of stress I’ve not dealt with in many years. For a long while there, I wasn’t doing so well dealing with it all. But I eventually realized that I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself out of this months-long depressive episode on my own. So I turned to the good doctors and therapists and made some needed life adjustments, and I’m doing so much better. Haven’t felt this good in more than a year.

For that reason, I can say that this year’s holiday spirit is born out of tremendous relief and celebration. So much so that, as I said many paragraphs back, I’ve actually been seeking out Christmas music over the last week or two. I’ve been listening to Vassar Clements’ “An Americana Christmas” and Vince Guaraldi Trio’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas” albums. Very different styles but both the quieter, instrumental Christmas music that I tend to prefer.

My favorite Christmas album, the one that has no obvious relationship to the holiday whatsoever, is Peter Rowan’s “Awake Me in the New World,” which is also neither (especially) quiet nor instrumental. This was recorded in 1992 and released in 1993 to mark (a year late) the 500th anniversary of Columbus Columbus’ arrival in North America. It’s done in a mix of Spanish and Latin (particularly Caribbean) styles and tells stories of the meeting of two cultures. The good and the bad. Love and exploitation. Peace and violence. Not exactly Christmas-y, eh?

I listened to this album almost nonstop during Christmas season of 1993. My most vivid memory from that year was sitting in my car drinking coffee and listening to this entire album on my CD player twice through while I worked up the nerve to enter what I knew was going to be an obnoxious onslaught of enforced Christmas cheer with a helping of Christmas shopping mobs. My anxiety wasn’t simply about shopping, however: that was one of the years when I had to face spending time in at least two different homes in the wake of the divorce. I loved this album and it gave me some peace when I desperately needed it.

Ever since, I’ve considered it a Christmas album simply because of that association.

And this year, I consider the title to be especially meaningful, for this elevated mood and the small/meaningful changes I’ve been making of late have been like a new world in which I’ve loved waking.